•••

I blink twice at the flame
It disappears a little more with every flutter of my eyelid
I'm the wood that keeps it lit as I turn to ash with every passing second
Blow on me and watch me fleet away into nothingness.
I blink twice at the flame
Making sure it exists
My eyes tend to deceive me on days where my lung is lined with the soot of all the smoke I've inhaled
It burns bright nonetheless, at least when my eyes are open it does
I wish I could say the same for my soul.
I blink twice at the flame
And if I walk into it and feel the heat,
And if I admire it from afar,
And if I close my eyes and let it die out...

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

She walks in through the small wooden door that barely hangs on its hinges
I watch as she bends her neck a little to fit in through it
She shakes her head to relieve her curls of the rain drops they have gathered on her way here. Some let go, most dont.
She smiles at something; the sight of me, the fire over at the fireplace, a thought; I dont know yet.
We are one here, with eachother, with the ferns and the wolves
We speak the fox's language
We sing the blue jay's song
The stars are brighter here away from the mayhem, like her eyes. Still and bright.
Her body feels less angulated; it doesn't carry the weight of pretend.
She sits by my side and recounts stories from within the woods
Drawing from me the laughter only meant for her and the creatures that roam outside
They loiter unaltered by our existence, Unaffected by the impediment to their freedom.
And we laugh, we laugh until the fire burns out, we laugh until the sun threatens to replace the moon.

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

I never fall asleep unless the door is cracked open enough to let the light peak through
Enough light so I can differentiate the monsters in my room from the silhouette of my chair
A creak of the wooden floor as it lets go of the weight it has been carrying all day would startle me awake
I'd go back to sleep saying a little prayer hoping that wasn't a one eyed creature tip toeing around me
If the door is closed the light goes on
If the door is closed and the light is off, a heart is beating next to mine.
I'm endowed with the power of running from the dark
I'm endowed with the power of looking for the light
I'm endowed with the power of dispelling monsters.
Only;
The door is closed,
The light is off,
The heart beats no more,
The monster isn't under my bed;
The monster is me.

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

Humor me; which part of waking up everyday to get closer to perishing do you enjoy?
Do me a favor and explain to me why the windowsill doesn't amuse you
Unravel the mystery of why you don't awaken with bloodshot eyes, a sinking heart and a muffled scream
Reorder this anagram to the word that keeps you breathing
Solve the puzzle of why you don't let the sun set
Dumb it down for me; how do you not rip out the thumping that keeps you suspended
Riddle me this:
How do you stay alive until you die?

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

He hooks one hand behind his head and tilts back.
"Are you scared?" I ask
"Of what?" His tone is unbothered, as always.
"Ending up alone."
"I am alone."
"I don't mean now; in the future; when it's all said and done."
"Will it ever be? All said and done?"
He takes a long drag from his cigarette.
"You're doing it again; answering my question with a question."
"I'm not scared."
"Do you think you will be? When you're old and gray and your jokes aren't funny anymore?"
"My jokes will always be funny."
I sigh.
"You know; we're all alone. Always. Even when we feel like we're not."

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

I was born from the roots of a tree whose xylem was rotten black
It shed its leaves from my cry until it stood there bare naked
Until it had no use for the wind that would sway it's branches.
I was weaned off of the moonlight and into the sun despite my screams
It burnt my eyes and my skin until I disintegrated into ash
Ash the wind that couldn't sway the tree carried.
I crawled on ground made of clouds that couldn't bear my weight
Crawled...floated.
I walk on ground made of quills
Walk...stagger.

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

It's poison the way she forms words
With every drop I drink from her wretched thoughts I feel myself drown into an alarming daze
Now don't get me wrong, some days I clog my ears and sing la la la
Some days I can barely hear her among all the noise I surround myself with
But mostly...mostly,
I let myself fall into the bottomless pit she builds with every letter she utters
Fighting her would be futile, wouldn't you agree?
Afterall, how far can you run from what you've woven into existence?

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

Cherry Wine

He walks over my shoulder as I tear yet another page from my progressively thinning notebook. He brushes my curls away from my face and plants a sweet kiss on my cheek. "No words coming out ?" He asks playfully. I wonder what I said or did for him to think me so talented. "No good ones actually" I replied with a clear disappointment written on my face.

A break might do me some good, I thought for myself. I put my ink aside and looked, really looked, at the person sitting across me. I saw the curves on his face tracing them in my mind as if I wanted to keep a mental picture of him. He stares back quizzically like he is trying to crack open my skull and see what resides inside. "What is it babe?" he gets inquisitive trying to decipher what I was thinking. His caring eyes look at me as if he could fix all my problems just by looking at me the way he does. Sometimes I think he could. Some times I think if he just looked at me like this for a while, he could be the antidote to all my poison. But he gets anxious when I don't say much which I know if I keep it up will turn into confusion, frustration, anger and finally violence.

I don't know how someone that looks so sweet and harmless could turn like a light switch and let darkness engulf him all of a sudden. Just before he is about to lay his hands on me, in that split moment, I can clearly see him debating whether to cause me pain or not. Sometimes he chooses to hurt himself instead. He goes to punch a dry wall and scream his lungs out into nothingness. Other times his demons take over and he beats me senseless. Like almost all abusers he comes crawling back the following day, crying and asking for forgiveness, promising again and again he wouldn't lay a finger on me.

"What the hell are you thinking about?" He screams pulling me out of my own voices with a jolt. I could hear the underlying question. He wanted to ask "WHO the hell are you thinking about" His pride just got the better of him. I know if I don't calm him soon it won't go all too well for me so I quickly slide over to his side and put my hand in his. I look up to meet his gaze but fail to keep looking into his eyes so instead I choose to look at our intertwined fingers. "The next scene in my play is frustrating me." I take a deep breath and continue with my stupid lie. "I have no idea how to go about it you know.." I look up again hoping it would be enough. By then he has already lost interest, he gets up and leaves me with just a grunt.

Somehow that makes me feel nothing but relief. If I told him what I was actually thinking about....I wouldn't even dare to imagine what could come next. Rather than immerse myself in that dark hole I get up the courage to pick up my ink and write. I turn to a new page on my worn out notebook and start forming words. Letters became words, words became phrases...sentences, I was writing a paragraph. Anger, Hatred and even love start spilling out of me and I was turning them into words. My emotions got the better of me, I couldn't even control my tears at this point, My notebook were tearing because I was pressing too hard into my pages. I was going to get it all out today and I was going to leave.

I don't know for how long he's been watching me. I just felt his presence when he called my name. The minute I heard his ice cold voice I didn't dare turn. I put my ink down and stared right ahead waiting for my version of hell.

•••Don't You Ever Tame Your Demons
Always Keep Them On a Leash•••

Your demons run to greet you at your door and you think you've got a companion
They purr when you pet them and you get into the habit of reaching for their fur whenever you're alone
They wag their tail to the sound of your voice and you get accustomed to the sound of their name on your tongue
They whine and scratch at your door at night and you get up to let them in, a habit you can't seem to break
Their leash stays collecting dust and your guards lie on the ground
It's a vice that doesn't feel like one until it does

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

You can lower me to the ground 6 feet deep; lay dirt and stones over me
You can weave the dress you'll bury me in from scratch
You can carve out: "Here lies Her. My one, my only." on my tombstone with your nails till they bleed from underneath
You can weep until your tears burn tracks on your cheeks
You can read my eulogy with your voice breaking
But;
Will the skeletons you sleep with in your closet stop coming out to haunt you at night?

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

•••Dreams of Icarus•••

It's a bitter triumph soaring to you
I'll let your golden flames melt the wax off of every feather as long as you color the sky that golden shade as I
F
A
L
L
Your name will ring in my ears, a hymn I'll sway to
And as the wax scorches my body with tracks I will never get rid of
As the burnt feathers fall around me like autumn leaves
As the "tragedy" unfolds
I'll throw my head back and laugh into the wind
Because who wouldn't betray the moon just for a taste of you?

•••
✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

You start by contemplating a raincheck you can't cash in
Tomorrow waits in line
Tomorrow is patient
Stars turn to light
The sun sets the world ablaze
It barely warms your skin
Maybe tomorrow...
Stars turn to light
The corners of your mind stay overcast
But look; dawn...well...sort of...
Stars turn to light
You wake with the sun; you set with it
Stars turn to light
Just today
Move a finger, a hand, an arm...
Stars turn to light
Dark, dreary, dreaded...
Stars turn to light
Dress in your Sunday best and dissect paper thin thoughts
Stars turn to light
You start by contemplating a raincheck you can't cash in...

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

And on the days you grow wings;
I taste it like metal in my mouth
I choke on air, on the lump in my throat, on words
I revert and mold into a familiar shape; compact, hollow
Colors are dull
Lights are dim
Time moves slow
I ride off a high at a speed I can't control
I linger in the midst of a void, lucid.

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

“Does death scare you?”
“Doesn’t it scare everyone?”
“Doesn’t scare me”
“Ceasing to exist doesn’t bother you?”
“Why would it?”
“It’s oblivion, it’s the unknown”
“So?”
“So…?”
“You know what scares me?”
“What scares you?”
“The absence of fear.”
“Why would that scare you more than death?”
“Cuz when you remove the fear of dying all you’re left with is the fear of existence.”

•••

✍🏼: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

I drown in it
It engulfs me
A familiar caress I’d rather forget
Sometimes it’s a grain of sand at the beach
And sometimes it’s the ocean itself
I choke on the pieces of salt I can’t keep down
They comes up to fill the hollow spaces within me
My heart beats and echos in this hollowness, screams of help, screams of something I can’t quite name…shrill and if you listen close enough; loud
I tiptoe on already cracked eggshells
Careful…careful…careful
If I say it enough times…
I drown in it
It engulfs me
A familiar caress I’d rather forget

✍🏽: @That1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

•••

✍🏽: @that1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

✍🏽: @that1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni

✍🏽: @that1spagettiinabowlofmacaroni